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I've had this churning feeling for the past few days that there's things I need to put into words in my journal, but I can't write them. Well, I write them, then delete them. I can't make it flow and make sense.
Last night I had this rather creepily horrifying dream about a pretty girl who I met online and went out shopping with, and then discovered that she was actually a zombie and she didn't know it. I didn't realize until she went to show me one of her peircings, and, well... I said to her "it doesn't look too good." She had been denying to herself that there was any problem. Yes, I'm glossing over the details, it was fucking creepy in that "I want to scream but I can't" sort of way. Suffice it to say that under her clothes she looked a lot like The Mummy when he was in the process or rebuilding himself. And I was sitting talking with her and thinking "this is going to require major reconsructive surgery." I woke up and lay awake for quite some time wondering what I was trying to tell myself with this dream.
The very first thing I thought was that the dream had to do with me not liking peircings - the fact she was a zombie seemed to be directly related to the many badly done and badly cared for peircings she had. But I rejected this very shortly, as I finally remembered I have had other dreams similarly themed. But this one was the most obvious, like I'm hitting myself on the head with a brick trying to get something through to my conscious mind. A few weeks ago I had a dream where I was rubbing a girl's foot for her and she got up to answer the door, leaving her foot in my hand as if it were quite natural to do so. She put it back on again when she came back. (Eor laughed at this, sick pup that he is.;) *smooches to Eor!*.)
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eor woke up I discussed the zombie dream with him, and I'll try to lay my thoughts out here something like I laid them out to him.
There's a couple of different things going on in my life at the moment. One being that one of my teeth has suddenly decided to crumble. I'm really icked out by this, and haven't wanted to talk about it on my journal because I'm afraid people will percieve it as indicating that my dental hygene is not good. I think I could do better, but I do try, and I constantly berate myself through my dreams - if I forget to brush before bed I'll give myself dreams about all my teeth falling out and sometimes this will even get me up to brush in the middle of the night. Yeah, I know that's goofy.:) So I thought it was possible that this zombie dream could be a more over-the-top version of that - decay in a living body, ignored. But these dreams with this sort of odd theme started before the tooth thing, so that doesn't quite seem to work.
The other thing going on which I thought of and thought a more likely influence, and Eor agreed, was that he and I have been discussing getting back to looking for a girlfriend. We (particularly I) have been putting it off because the last woman we were involved with was...well, she had emotional issues which precluded her from actually being a working part of a relationship. And she was in denial about them. Rather like the girl in my dream was in denial about the fact that she was dead. Maybe I even feel our last gf was something of a walking dead because she seemed incapable of actually being in love. Lovely face and dead inside.
So my eventual interpretation of the dream was that it has to do with my fear of meeting potential girlfriends and finding that, like our last girlfriend, they have something really rather odd that we can't do anything about, and can't work around. In my dreams I'm turning this into a physical issue for lack of time to go into depth.
Now, me trying to be out and all at work, I've sort of discussed the fact that I want to look for a new girlfriend with some of my co-workers in the past few weeks, and have discovered they almost always have a weird-ass idea of what it is I want. Not that I should be surprised, everyone from the straight community and some who claim to be from the queer and poly communities all seem to have the same weird-ass ideas. They assume that by 'girlfriend' I mean 'fuckbuddy,' or as one guy put it 'play date.' Which icks me out to no end. What I mean is something more like 'wife,' if at all possible. I want to fall in love, but at the very least I need to establish a strong friendship and trust bond with a person before I want to have sex with them. And Eor and I have agreed it's quite neccessary that any woman we get involved with is happy to get involved with both of us.
The other thing people constantly say is that they can't believe I'd be okay with this, as though it were Eor who came up with this idea. Nnnno. I fell in love with Eor at a point when I had decided to date women, and got involved with him because I made an agreement with him that it wouldn't be just him and me, we would find another woman.
I guess what gets me at work is that I've been trying to be really out to everyone and I keep explaining the same things over and over, yet every time it comes up I feel like I have to say the same goddam things again.
Anyway, I'm not sure if that directly plays into the whole dream, but it could, with the stress of feeling like I'm a freak coming to the fore again. There's some people who seem to like me and all, but when I start to even talk about the whole wanting a girlfriend thing they get icked out to the extent that they don't even want to hear what I really want - it seems they have these weird ideas so ingrained that they can't even listen to the possibility that they might be misunderstanding.
Last night I had this rather creepily horrifying dream about a pretty girl who I met online and went out shopping with, and then discovered that she was actually a zombie and she didn't know it. I didn't realize until she went to show me one of her peircings, and, well... I said to her "it doesn't look too good." She had been denying to herself that there was any problem. Yes, I'm glossing over the details, it was fucking creepy in that "I want to scream but I can't" sort of way. Suffice it to say that under her clothes she looked a lot like The Mummy when he was in the process or rebuilding himself. And I was sitting talking with her and thinking "this is going to require major reconsructive surgery." I woke up and lay awake for quite some time wondering what I was trying to tell myself with this dream.
The very first thing I thought was that the dream had to do with me not liking peircings - the fact she was a zombie seemed to be directly related to the many badly done and badly cared for peircings she had. But I rejected this very shortly, as I finally remembered I have had other dreams similarly themed. But this one was the most obvious, like I'm hitting myself on the head with a brick trying to get something through to my conscious mind. A few weeks ago I had a dream where I was rubbing a girl's foot for her and she got up to answer the door, leaving her foot in my hand as if it were quite natural to do so. She put it back on again when she came back. (Eor laughed at this, sick pup that he is.;) *smooches to Eor!*.)
When
eor woke up I discussed the zombie dream with him, and I'll try to lay my thoughts out here something like I laid them out to him. There's a couple of different things going on in my life at the moment. One being that one of my teeth has suddenly decided to crumble. I'm really icked out by this, and haven't wanted to talk about it on my journal because I'm afraid people will percieve it as indicating that my dental hygene is not good. I think I could do better, but I do try, and I constantly berate myself through my dreams - if I forget to brush before bed I'll give myself dreams about all my teeth falling out and sometimes this will even get me up to brush in the middle of the night. Yeah, I know that's goofy.:) So I thought it was possible that this zombie dream could be a more over-the-top version of that - decay in a living body, ignored. But these dreams with this sort of odd theme started before the tooth thing, so that doesn't quite seem to work.
The other thing going on which I thought of and thought a more likely influence, and Eor agreed, was that he and I have been discussing getting back to looking for a girlfriend. We (particularly I) have been putting it off because the last woman we were involved with was...well, she had emotional issues which precluded her from actually being a working part of a relationship. And she was in denial about them. Rather like the girl in my dream was in denial about the fact that she was dead. Maybe I even feel our last gf was something of a walking dead because she seemed incapable of actually being in love. Lovely face and dead inside.
So my eventual interpretation of the dream was that it has to do with my fear of meeting potential girlfriends and finding that, like our last girlfriend, they have something really rather odd that we can't do anything about, and can't work around. In my dreams I'm turning this into a physical issue for lack of time to go into depth.
Now, me trying to be out and all at work, I've sort of discussed the fact that I want to look for a new girlfriend with some of my co-workers in the past few weeks, and have discovered they almost always have a weird-ass idea of what it is I want. Not that I should be surprised, everyone from the straight community and some who claim to be from the queer and poly communities all seem to have the same weird-ass ideas. They assume that by 'girlfriend' I mean 'fuckbuddy,' or as one guy put it 'play date.' Which icks me out to no end. What I mean is something more like 'wife,' if at all possible. I want to fall in love, but at the very least I need to establish a strong friendship and trust bond with a person before I want to have sex with them. And Eor and I have agreed it's quite neccessary that any woman we get involved with is happy to get involved with both of us.
The other thing people constantly say is that they can't believe I'd be okay with this, as though it were Eor who came up with this idea. Nnnno. I fell in love with Eor at a point when I had decided to date women, and got involved with him because I made an agreement with him that it wouldn't be just him and me, we would find another woman.
I guess what gets me at work is that I've been trying to be really out to everyone and I keep explaining the same things over and over, yet every time it comes up I feel like I have to say the same goddam things again.
Anyway, I'm not sure if that directly plays into the whole dream, but it could, with the stress of feeling like I'm a freak coming to the fore again. There's some people who seem to like me and all, but when I start to even talk about the whole wanting a girlfriend thing they get icked out to the extent that they don't even want to hear what I really want - it seems they have these weird ideas so ingrained that they can't even listen to the possibility that they might be misunderstanding.