Do I just live to be contrary? Oh yeah, that's right. I do.

[derien]

Okay, peak_in_darien - you have suggested before that it might be a good thing for me to just write and not hide my thinking process.  (or was that me to you?  am I getting us mixed up again?)  Well, I couldn't resist going back and cleaning it up a little here and there to make it more clear, but I nearly tossed it all out, so... this is something.  I would have replied to your comment, only LJ was being a bitch again and wouldn't let me.


As Eor left for work just now I made the intimation to him that I might go back to sleep, but I'm not feeling particularly tired, even though we got very little sleep last night.  I'm ... I don't know.  Agitated, I guess.  We just discussed a little more on the topic of whether it makes sense for me to move to Lead or not.  He points out that if I do I'll have to move to morning shift at some point, because it happens to everyone - and it has, without fail.  If they think someone's happy or settled on a shift they will move them.  I said in that case I could resign that position and go back to being a screener and he pointed out that making such a move would not look at all good to a future prospective employer.  The best point Eor made was that I only have ten months left before I'll be vested in my pension plan.  It's a pretty minuscule pension, but it's something, and it's true it would be a lot easier to stay under the radar as a screener than as a Lead.  I need to keep my head down now more than ever. 

I'm afraid that to anyone else it would have sounded as though we were having an argument... and in fact I'm afraid that he felt a little bit like that, too, because he started to sound frustrated before we were done.  Sorry, Eor.  I was trying to play the devil's advocate hard, because I've always maintained that I don't want to be a Lead, and I don't want to cave to pressure now and end up being miserable.  I want to have good strong solid arguments as to why I don't want to be a Lead. 

But the people who are encouraging me are mostly people who have gone that route.  They've bought into the American dream and decided to move up, so they have already let their schedules be screwed around with and taken the risks, and have convinced themselves that it's not too bad.  They scoff at those arguments.  I guess that what it all comes down to is that when I contemplate the job, I feel intense revulsion.

Maybe one big thing for me is that as people move up suddenly everything they do gets criticized.  I've seen it happen:  They're great for the job before they get it, but as soon as they have it there's complaints behind their backs about how lazy and incompetent they are.  Even though I know it happens no matter how good a person is at their job, I really hate people viewing me as incompetent.  I'm scatterbrained.  And I have the worst luck.  I'll do something right a hundred times, but the one time I do it wrong will be when someone's watching.  And people watch you more when you're a Lead, no matter what they say. 

So is that just me being a wuss?  Am I afraid to take on the job?  I don't think I am, but unless I take it on I can't prove to all the people who've been encouraging me that I'm not afraid.  It's like being dared to sled down a big hill or something.  Come on, you can do it, you can do it!  Well, yeah, I could, but I can also see a half-dozen huge boulders for me to hit and a busy street at the bottom I might fall into and get flattened by a passing car.  Do I want to?  Except that with this hill there won't even be the exhilaration of a sled.  Okay, so maybe it's not like being dared to do something basically safe like sledding - maybe it's more like being dared to do something basically stupid, like jump into a phiranna pool.  Mainertoo is delighted with the fact that he gets more mobility as a Lead.  He's a people person, and isn't happy if he can't be jumping around talking to everyone and the center of attention.  I'm an entirely different type of person than he is - what makes me happy is being out of the spotlight, off to one side in the shadows, left alone with my thoughts.  (I mean, not always - sometimes I have these moods.  But it's best for me to resist the moods, they only lead to trouble.)  (and my mind can't resist adding "and seat-wetting") My happiest place is watching the exit doors, something I wouldn't get to do ever again as a Lead. 

I don't know if there's ever going to be any way that I can explain why to their satisfaction.


I think the important thing is, I just haven't enjoyed the days when I've been temporary Lead, even though everyone says I do a fine job.  I've already asked them to take my name off the temp Lead list.  Several times.  It keeps somehow creeping back on there.

So, my conclusion is, I need to continue being strong and resist the peer pressure.  It feels good that people think they want me in the job, it's a great compliment.  I listen to them carefully every time they encourage me so that they won't think that I'm just brushing them off.  But.  No.

Comments

[mizzmarvel.livejournal.com]

Definitely don't do this if it doesn't feel right, even if they are complimenting you. It's no fun to suffer through a job you're not happy with.

[derien.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know you're right. Thanks. :)

[peak-in-darien.livejournal.com]

Hmm. It sounds like you need to trust your own thoughts on this one. Ultimately no one can make the decision but you.

I think the important thing is, I just haven't enjoyed the days when I've been temporary Lead, even though everyone says I do a fine job.
That sounds like pretty much the most important thing to me too.

♥

[derien.livejournal.com]

I think so. Mainertoo made me take charge for a few minutes, today, and I was immediately feeling stressed out. Someone said that I seemed very cool and calm, and I told him that I pretend well, but my stomach knows. :) (all tense.)

[bravecows.livejournal.com]

Do what feels right! You know what's best for you. *hugs*

[derien.livejournal.com]

Thanks! *snugs!* :)

[(Anonymous)]

IF YOU"RE HAPPY & KNOW IT........
why is it that people always want to f--k up a good thing.....trust your gut
you are brave ....let the naysayers & disbelievers be gone!
LTA

[derien.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) I don't want to rise to the level of my incompetence. ;)