too much loss and change

[derien]

And okay, I'm PMSing, too, probably.

I've just spent I don't know how long trying to fix lunch while crying uncontrollably. It has just sunk in to me that H. is really moving away, and has no intention of trying to maintain contact. Eor has sat with me, hugged me, patted my head, and is now threatening to play the little airplane game with me if I don't eat. heh. He's such a sweetheart, I'm so very very glad I have him.

It doesn't seem to help much to remind myself that H. has been pushing us away as friends (giving us less and less information about himself, his life, and his other friends, even pointedly letting us know that he's hiding information from us) almost longer than the amount of time he let the friendship get closer. No, I still felt horrible that we had to move so far away from him last year, even though he'd barely been talking to us when we happened to see him at ManRay. And now, despite all else, despite the fact that I know H. doesn't want my affection at all, I feel like my heart is breaking and I might die.

It's not logical. I have to get over it. I will get over it. I know I will, this is just how I feel right now.

Comments

[eve-l-incarnata.livejournal.com]

I hope you're feeling better. You've been through a lot lately, and I can imagine it hurts like hell when someone you've put so much loving time and energy into doesn't reciprocate.

[Humour mode on.]Geez, I hope you feel at least a little bit bad about moving so far away from me. [Humour mode off.]

[derien.livejournal.com]

Of course I felt sad to move away from you. And C., as well (she was a nearly daily presence in my life before moving). The thing is, I can count on her to pretty much be the same when I get to hang with her again, and to make an effort to hang with me, and to fill me in on everything which has been going on with her. And I can count on _you_ to do e-mail and such, and keep me informed on what's going on. Hadley does e-mail, but manages to keep me completely uninformed. He'll hang with me and Matt when we go down there, but doesn't come up here. He went on a fishing trip to Maine a couple of weeks ago, and came back at some ungodly hour of the morning just so he wouldn't have to stop and visit us and risk having to introduce us to the friend he had along - we're obviously so uncool. He has only twice gone and hung with only me, without Matt's presence, back when we were in Boston. When I asked him why he doesn't make any effort to hang with me he said it was because he thinks of me and Matt as almost being the same person. *gag!* He doesn't even see me as a seperate person! I'm nobody! :P

I'm just basically in rather a horrible mood, sorry.

[eve-l-incarnata.livejournal.com]

Nae borra. You don't have to be Polly Sunshine for me. I would much prefer to be in your physical presence more often, rather than giving myself carpal tunnel typing. (Feel free to laugh, I know I'm not the most reliable correspondent.)

How is C these days? You can send that in e-mail, if you like. Contact info. would be appreciated, as I haven't heard from her in a year.

Geezus. I hope to hell that no one ever says that they see me as part of a unit. And... you know me... I'm the Anti-Cool. Screw people who have a "coolness" barometer.

I should get driving directions to your place, as it looks like I'm going to be going to Boston more often. And of course... if you come to Maine... you have a general idea where I live.