still the lamest

[derien]

Okay, I'm going to admit it.  I'm in a very down mood and have been all week.  Monday I threw up at work, and I blamed it on the apple I had eaten, but it seems just as likely that it was my mood which caused it.  I know it seems odd to blame it on either, but my stomach is usually fine with anything but fruit or stress, and recertification testing started Monday.  But passing the first two parts of the test on Tuesday did not make my mood go away.  Perhaps I'll feel better after the practical section of the test is out of the way and we're all done.

Right now I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I need to pay these bills on my desk and do the dishes.  And why does the basmati rice stink this morning?  Usually I love the smell of it cooking, but today it's making me sick. :(  What I should do is: Food, shower, do some dishes, write out checks for the bills, arrainge my lunch and pack my uniform, then if I have any time left I should just go out by myself to the coffee shop at the corner, sit down and write.  I feel like I've got ping-pong balls in my head.  No brains, just empty little plastic balls bouncing around.  If I could even get half the things on that list finished I'd feel a lot better.

There's buds on the trees and spring in the air.  I should not be feeling like this. 

Oddly, inscrutable posted (friendslocked) that he has a problem remembering previous states of emotion.  I have the same problem.  When I feel like this I know, intellectually, that I have felt differently in the past, but I can't seem to remember that on an emotional level.  That was the only post he's made lately that I felt like responding to, and he blocked responses. 

Comments

[ladyfalcon.livejournal.com]

I also feel that way. It's part of what makes happiness so grand and depression so insidious - when that's how you feel, that's how you've always felt, forever. When you're happy, you can remember that, yes, there was a time last week when you overslept and felt like shit all day, but it's no more relevant than remembering some trivial upset from back when you were eight years old... it's such a weird thing...

[derien.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's pretty much it. It IS odd.

[daegaer.livejournal.com]

I hope the tests go well and that you don't have to feel stressed about them any more. You're right, you should get out of the house and spend some time on yourself. Can you get yourself some springtime treat?


To cheer you up, think of the big scandal in Irish airport security this week, and know that it wouldn't have got past you!

[derien.livejournal.com]

Meh... I definetly have mixed feelings about that report. Generally when they're doing testing they specifically choose to go for holes in the system which they know about as insiders. Not that I don't think that real terrorists wouldn't know about those holes, they probably do, but in order to close those holes we'd have to change our practices in ways which would really piss off the flying public. It's a balancing act between people who feel their rights are being violated and leaving holes that things can slip through. At some point someone has to make some unpopular decisions about how much we can offend people vs. how much risk we are willing to put them in. Regardless of what course our higher ups choose, we as the screeners always bear the brunt of the decision. We will always be unpopular. If they would stick by one course and say to the public, "Look, that's the way it's got to be, quit whining," it might be easier to take, but where things are constantly changed in response to public whines, in whatever direction they choose to go, we're constantly on shifting ground.

Heh, sorry... it didn't cheer me up.

[daegaer.livejournal.com]

You're the face that the fliers see, of course - it's a pity that saying "X is official policy, here's the number of the guy who formulated it and a quarter for you to make the call with" would get you fired faster than you can blink (I'm assuming). It's a pity you have to be the ones whined at. You seem to have things rather tough in your airport - the screeners in both Dublin and Stansted seemed pretty relaxed and cheerful when I went through, and there seemed to be plenty of security. (Though no one asked me to turn on my computer, which I though was standard practice - mind you, I asked if I should, so perhaps my willingness, not to mention my immense air of geekiness, reassured them).

[derien.livejournal.com]

We don't ask people to turn on their computers anymore because it's easy enough to put explosives inside a computer and still make it be able to turn on. Under the x-ray that should show, or if we grab it for a random explosives test.

[derien.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry for being such bad company and so snappish. It's not that I don't appreciate your effort to cheer me up - I really do, more than I can say.

My Dad just phoned (maybe he really is psychic) and I snapped at him for a half hour about everything that's been bothering me - worrying that since I went to see the Ombudsman I'm going to be on the shit list and forced out of my job, as well as the recertification testing and the prospect that we might soon be using the training we got in DC (which was long enough ago that I've mostly forgotten it). And then I appologized to him.

[daegaer.livejournal.com]

No need to apologise! It's been a stressful time for you, and the job seems to specialise in making things difficult for all of you. I hope your day goes smoothly, and that bad things only happen to those trying to stress you out.

[derien.livejournal.com]

flowers! :) Thanks. ;)

[mizzmarvel.livejournal.com]

I hope you start feeling better.

[derien.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I do like that icon of yours.

[inscrutable.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I would have allowed comments, but there was big drama involving a friend of mine and I just wanted to make that point and not worry about having a bunch of drama explode into the replies.

[derien.livejournal.com]

Oh, you had someone who was quite upset that you made no effort to keep in touch?

For myself I've noticed that it's not that I don't think of those people - I often do, and wish them well. I guess I don't miss people as much as I should.

[peak-in-darien.livejournal.com]

*huggles muchly*

[derien.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs back* :)