Cursed

[derien]

I spoke too soon. Depression began to catch up with me today. And, this evening, as I attempted to put my after-dinner time to good use with job-hunting, I found that I can't e-mail out my resume (why I don't know, it just hangs every e-mail I attache it to), I can't update it on my website (my ftp refuses to connect properly), I can't put it on a disk (my 3.5 drive corrupts every disk I put in it) and I can't print it out (my printer has decided, suddenly, that black ink is too boring for it). I feel really cursed. My resume is up on Monster, so that's something.

Now, something which kept me up last night - How do I know if someone really thinks of me as a friend? Yeah, I know this is something I should have figured out when I was in high school and I'm almost frikkin 35, but I'm socially retarded, okay? I'd love some feedback on the comments page.

Comments

how sad...

[derien.livejournal.com]

I'm commenting myself, mainly because I want to see how it will work, if it will be on a seperate page or the main one.

I'd like to say to myself (and anyone else who might read this) - I 'read' my level of freindship from what access my friend gives me to information about themself. Does the person tell me details they don't tell anyone else? Do I feel it's acceptable to them for me to make comment on those details? Then they consider me a close friend, I'm important to them. If someone tells me nothing, I'm nobody. I don't _think_ I'm alone in this. It's appeared to me when watching other people that everyone gets confused by someone who occilates between the mode of giving very private information and then clearly letting the same people know that they are withholding information. That's my observation.

Re: how sad...

[eve-l-incarnata.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's a good indication of what level of friendship you have with someone. However, I think there are people who don't tell much of anything to anybody. Ever.

There are times to comment on what someone is saying when they are confiding, and times not to. That can be quite the minefield, eh?

It can also be a cultural thing. I took a class on Oral Communications this summer. I highly recommend something like it. There was a great chapter on cross-cultural communication, and also how people misinterpret each other's cues.

I'm not the best observer of Murkan culture, but
I think there's lots of surface friendliness in the US. For gawd's sake, don't EVER tell someone how you really feel when they say, "Hihowareyou?"

Once upon a time, I used to be very open about my life and who I am. I'm not nearly as open as I used to be, as there aren't a lot of people with a similar worldview out there, and I get tired of being misunderstood.

A long lost friend once pointed out to me that it's a good idea to have parity in friendships, never give out more information than someone else is willing to reciprocate.

Those oscillators can really do a number on your head, can't they?

Re: how sad...

[derien.livejournal.com]

Eve_L_Incarnata wrote: "A long lost friend once pointed out to me that it's a good idea to have parity in friendships, never give out more information than someone else is willing to reciprocate."

But at some point one has to take the risk of putting more out there than what the other person has given so far, in order to find out what they might be willing to give. Otherwise you never get to know anyone.

Oddly, some people will call you a friend, but then express great discomfort when you start to tell them too much, to the point of even saying they just don't want to know. I find it difficult to resolve this state of 'not wanting to know' with at the same time calling me a 'friend.' If I'm a friend you want to know stuff about me, right? Because if you care, you're interested, right?

Risk taking

[eve-l-incarnata.livejournal.com]

derien wrote: But at some point one has to take the risk of putting more out there than what the other person has given so far, in order to find out what they might be willing to give. Otherwise you never get to know anyone.

As a risk taker from way back, I've been taking the initiative most of my adult life. Sometimes I get tired of it. I don't always want to be the one who calls first, etc... Some people are just takers, and I don't want relationships with them. I'm not Venus of a Thousand Breasts. I disagree that being the initiator is the only way to get to know someone... hopefully 50% of the time, other people will take the initiative.

Derien sez:
Oddly, some people will call you a friend, but then express great discomfort when you start to tell them too much, to the point of even saying they just don't want to know. If I'm a friend you want to know stuff about me, right? Because if you care, you're interested, right?

Well, yeah, friends want to know about each other and ought to be interested in each other's life. However... for instance, I have a friend who's into clocking his computer. At this point in my life, I don't know enough about what he's talking about to keep my attention fixed. I'm not sure I ever will be. So, he just doesn't discuss that with me. Another friend has some big-time jerky friends who have been repeatedly quite rude to me, so I'm not interested in hearing about them.

I'm curious what sort of issues/topics are seen as "too much" with these folks you hope are friends? I don't even approach being bi or polyamorous with most people here, although when people invite me to their church I gracefully decline and tell them I'm an atheist.

Ramble about friendship.

[eve-l-incarnata.livejournal.com]

Many people abuse that word "friend". Its like "fun", which is all-too-often used as a euphemism for sex. I don't use "friend" freely, as I've had quite a few bad experiences with people I thought were my friends. "Acquaintance" works quite well in most circumstances.

I suppose there are levels of friendship. Because I'm living somewhere that I don't have a lot in common with the people I live around, I've thought about the topic of "friendship" quite a lot.

I think of you as a friend. You helped me move, that's a BIG deal to me.

How do you know when someone thinks of you as a friend? Birthday cards are a Big Deal. I don't get many of them, but when I do it's usually from someone who is a friend, or on their way there. Not everyone remembers birthdays, but if someone goes out of their way at some point to do something special for you, well... I'd say that if they aren't your friend, they have good friendship potential.

Attempts to keep in touch over the years are a big indication. I try to send everyone without computer access at least a postcard every time I move. It always makes me sad when I open up the mailbox and see one of these returned because a forwarding order has expired.

So not everyone writes, calls, sends e-mail or birthday cards. It's hard to know when someone like that is really your friend, isn't it?